Wolfwyndd's Personal Spiritual Journey**sigh** Ok, where do I begin? How about the very beginning. Ok. Here goes. I was born and raised in Hagerstown, MD. By all accounts, I had a wonderful family life and spiritual life. I was taken to Sunday school and church ever single Sunday. I was an active participant in the Methodist Youth Fellowship. Everything looked, and sounded fine from the outside. But what about the inside? It wasn't. I never 'felt' spiritual at all inside. I used to pray, I used to sing, I used to do all the things I was supposed to do and thought all the things I was supposed to think. But I never felt 'God' in my life, in my heart, or in my mind. The time came when I was to be initiated into the church as an 'adult' member. The age of reason. I was 14 years old. I took all the classes to get me ready and the day came. About 10 others and I stood in front of the altar in the front of the church and accepted 'god' into our lives. It was supposed to be a spiritual and moving experience. For the first time in my life, I really did feel something stirring inside me. I felt the spirit move me for about 15 seconds. Then, nothing. Nada, zip, zilch. I watched as some of the others spun around and some fells down they were so moved by the spirit. What was wrong with me? Why am I not feeling it like they are? The service ended, and I felt as cold inside after the service as I had before it all began. Nothing. I did, however, continue to go to church and 'play my role.' At least for the time being. I turned 18 years old and I had NO idea what I wanted to do with my life. So what did I do? I joined the military. Specifically, the Army. Not only did I take that time to learn new skills, but I also took the time to do some serious soul searching. I wanted, and needed, some direction in my life. While I was there, I took the time to talk to people about their religious beliefs. I visited different churches, synagogues, and other places of worship. Nothing moved me though. I resigned myself to accepting that I was to spend the rest of my life as a non-practicing Christian. I came home, and started my college career using the money I had put away in the military to fund college, my parents paid for some, and Pell Grants. But while I was in college I meet people who had a clear idea of who and what they are and where they were going and talked to them. Some amazing things happened. One of my friends was a pagan. I had no idea he was because he never really talked much about it and I never pushed the issue. One day though, he told me he had some things to bless and consecrate. Me, being the curious person that I am, asked him if I could tag along and watch since I had nothing better to do that particular night. I haven't spoken to him for a while and I don't know if he is out of the broom closet yet, so we'll just call him, 'Bob.' I went back to his place with him and we walked into his room. I had never been to his house before, and I was a bit surprised by what I found. In his bedroom, on his dresser, Bob had a full-blown altar with all the trimmings. He had candles, anthames, incense, and everything else you would expect to find on an altar. I was amazed. I quizzed him on this, I quizzed him on that, and I quizzed him on every single thing he had. For each question, he had a straightforward, direct answer. He never once mentioned how naive I was or talked down to me, but explained everything very clearly to me. I was enthralled. When he was done explaining things to me, he gathered the necklace and things that he wanted to consecrate and asked that I just watch as he did what he needed to do. I didn't say a word the whole time. I DID however actually feel something. As he began calling the elements I felt the energy begin to gently move around the room. It was like I was in the middle of a whirlwind of energy. It was tickling the back of my neck, and the back of my brain. I was moving with it. I was swirling around the room without even moving. By the time he had called the elements and the Deities, the room was buzzing with energy. I actually FELT something. Not just for 5 seconds either but the entire time he was consecrating I could feel energy swirling around me and I was a part of it. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was feeling. He finished what he needed to do and thanked the elements and the Deities for their attendance. As he did so, I could feel the energy begin to fade into the background and dissipate. I looked at his things I could SEE them in a whole new light. They looked different, they felt different, they were the same things he had begun with but they were not the same things he had begun with. They where something new, and alive like I had never seen before in my life. Bob looked at me and I looked back at him. I was speechless, I couldn’t talk. We didn’t have to. He KNEW what I was feeling. I KNEW what he was feeling. For the first time in my life I could finally FEEL something inside me alive with energy. I KNEW what I was. Finally, after so long searching for something I had finally found it. -- I -- was not the same person who walked into that bedroom. I was not the same person who had walked into that house, I was not the same person who woke up that morning. I found my path! I will walk that path for the rest of my life. I was a pagan! Finally I could say to people that I KNOW who I am! From that moment till now I can proudly say, 'I am a pagan!' My training would begin the next night. I was so excited about what had just happened that I wanted it to begin right then and there. But he was tired, and it was late and he needed to sleep. I did too, but I was too excited about what had happened. On and off for the next several months Bob and I got together and he taught me the basics of 'The Craft.' He taught me about the elementals, he taught me about the gods and the goddess' and he taught me how to cast circles and why we needed to cast circles and he taught me some of his rituals and spells and everything else I could learn from him. Then he took me to my very first circle with others. I had no idea what to expect. I was very surprised to learn that most of the people in the circle were people, friends, that I already knew, but didn’t know this was part of their life too. I saw them in a different light now. They were brighter, more colorful then I had seen them before. As we began our new moon circle, we cast off all the negativity that had surrounded me all that week. Some of the people had said some thing about me, and my family, that had made its way back to me through the grapevine and I wanted to put these things to rest once and for all. I spoke my piece and they listened to me. Not as an adversary, but as a fellow kindred spirit like them. I had no idea how well they had taken it until we cast circle and looked at each other. There was nothing but perfect love, and perfect trust between us, in that circle. I KNEW things had finally been laid to rest. **smile** This happened to be a very good thing because we were to be tested that very same night on how well we knew, trusted, and loved one another. Yes, the cops busted us. One of the neighbors had seen our little fire in the backyard, saw us all wandering around in robes, and saw the sword we were using to cast circle. The police tried to separate us and find out 'who the leaders was' and what kind of ILLEGAL activities we were doing. We all stuck to the same story. One by one, they grudgingly continued to let us do what we had been doing. No one got arrested because we weren't doing anything illegal. Yes, you may think this is harassment, but this was BEFORE Wicca became a nationally recognized religion by the government. What the police were doing was totally within their right at the time. We had all passed the test. We were 'one.' I know, that’s a heck of a way to be introduced to The Craft. Most people would probably have been scared off. The group said they would understand if I wanted to leave, but I didn't. I BELIEVED in what they were doing. I will never ever turn my back on my beliefs. PERIOD. My studies continued with Bob and the rest of the group and I learned so much from him and the rest. But times change and people move on with their lives and I had decided to continue my college career at UMBC. I moved off campus into an apartment in Fell's Point in Baltimore, MD. I continued to practice what I had been taught and continued my studies from books that I could find. Of course if you are reading this page, you most likely know what my first book was. Yes, it was "Ray Buckland's, Guide for the Solitary Practitioner." I used the knowledge I had gained from Bob and that book until I finally decided to 'officially' dedicate myself to Paganism. I wrote my own initiation and proceeded to initiate myself on January 29th, 1992. Why January 29th you ask? Two reasons. 1. It was my daughter's 3rd birthday and I was not with her. She was away from me, with her mother. 2. It happened to be the closest weekend to Imbolc and I do consider that to be the beginning of the new year. Why not start fresh? I dedicated myself and felt the same energies swirling around me that I did that very first night and I felt the Gods and Goddess' touch me and accept me as one of their own. I was with Them. For that night, and for the rest of my life They now live inside me, and I live within Them. From that day forward I have worn a ring on the middle finger of my right hand. What the ring is doesn't matter. What it means to me does. That ring is my 'wedding band' to The Craft. I will never take it off. I may loose, damage, or change what ring I am wearing, but the ring on that finger is me saying, 'Yes, I am a pagan.' It's my public statement of who, or what, I am dedicated to, just like a wedding band is a public statement that tells people, 'yes, I am married.' My marriage is not to any person, any ONE specific set of Gods and / or Goddess', but my marriage to the entire set of ideals and everything else that goes along with it. I will wear a ring on the finger until the day I die because that is who I am. Blessed Be, |